Lesson  1:

A man is getting into  the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when  the doorbell rings.   The wife quickly wraps  herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she  opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door  neighbour.  Before she says a word, Bob says,  ’I'll give you £800 to drop that  towel.’   After thinking for a moment, the  woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after  a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and  leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel  and goes back upstairs.   When she gets to the  bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’   ’It  was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she  replies.   ’Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say  anything about the £800 he owes  me?’

Moral of the  story:

If you share  critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a  position to prevent avoidable  exposure

Lesson  2:

A priest offered a Nun a  lift.   She got in and crossed her legs, forcing  her gown to reveal a leg.   The priest nearly had  an accident.   After controlling the car, he  stealthily slid his hand up her leg.  The nun said,  ’Father, remember Psalm 129?’   The priest removed  his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her  leg again.   The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember  Psalm 129?’   The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister  but the flesh is weak.’   Arriving at the convent,  the nun sighed heavily and went on her  way.   On his arrival at the church, the priest  rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek,  further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the  story:

If you are not  well informed in your job, you might miss a  great opportunity.

Lesson  3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and  the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil  lamp.   They rub it and a Genie comes  out.   The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one  wish.’   ’Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I  want to be in  the Bahamas , driving a  speedboat, without a care in the world.’   Puff! She’s  gone.   ’Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I  want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal  masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my  life.’   Puff! He’s gone.   ’OK, you’re  up,’ the Genie says to the manager.   The manager says,  ’I want those two back in the office  after lunch.’

Moral of the  story:

Always let your boss have the first  say.

Lesson 4

An  eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing  nothing.   A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked  him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’   The  eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’   So, the rabbit  sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden,  a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate  it.

Moral of the story:

To be  sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high  up.

Lesson  5

A turkey was chatting with a  bull.   ’I would love to be able to get to the top  of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the  energy.’   ’Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my  droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with  nutrients.’   The turkey pecked at a lump of dung,  and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the  lowest branch of the tree.   The next day, after  eating some more dung, he reached the second  branch.   Finally after a fourth night, the turkey  was proudly perched at the top of the tree.   He  was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the  tree.

Moral of the  story:

Bull Crap might get you to the top, but  it won’t keep you there..

Lesson  6

A little bird was flying south for the  winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground  into a large field.   While he was lying there, a  cow came by and dropped some dung on him.   As the  frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to  realize how warm he was.   The dung was actually  thawing him out!  He lay there all warm and happy,  and soon began to sing for joy.   A passing cat heard  the bird singing and came to  investigate.   Following the sound, the cat  discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly  dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the  story:
(1) Not everyone who craps on you is  your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of  crap is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep crap, it’s best to keep your mouth  shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE  MANAGEMENT COURSE

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